It took me all weekend to get up the courage to share this.

Call it vanity or insecurity. It’s probably both. Regardless, there’s a deep and honest part of me that wants to hide. For as long as possible.

The reason?

I’m not the same person I used to be.

Before November 25, I was healthy. Put-together. I didn’t have obvious scars. I didn’t carry around the physical evidence of trauma and loss. I didn’t look sick or sound funny when I talked. I seemed, well … normal. At least relatively so.

Not any more.

I’ve changed. And I’m just beginning to grasp how all-encompassing that statement really is. You’d be hard-pressed to find anything about me and my life that remains the same.

And you know what?

I miss who I used to be. Desperately.

But today I’m fighting back against all the loss and grief, just a bit. I’m looking forward, reaching for peace, trying to take a single step into what is.

And so I’m sharing this interview. With you. My first Undone interview post-cancer. Even though the insecure me aches to hide it.

The reason?

God promised to USE IT. And the only way to see any good that might possibly come from the mess is to move out of the way and let Him DO IT.

On April 13, 2015—eight short weeks after my last treatment—I headed to Colorado Springs to record my first post-cancer voice interview. I was still sick, still throwing up, still on massive pain meds. The day before I couldn’t get out of bed. That morning, I wasn’t sure how I’d talk clearly enough to be understood by a podcast audience. But I knew I needed to step out, to dig deep and find a lingering mustard-seed-of-faith to believe He could redeem the loss. Otherwise, I feared I might never step out again.

And so I recorded this podcast interview with Yvette Maher on Java With Juli. Dr. Juli Slattery and Yvette are two of my favorite people. I admire both, deeply, and trusted them both to hold my heart gently. They made a terrifying step bearable.

In our interview, we discussed some of the hardest questions of life, including:

  • How do you make peace with a life that hasn’t turned out like you thought?
  • Is it okay to wrestle with questions and doubts during grief and suffering?
  • What do you do when God doesn’t behave like you expected Him to? Can you still trust Him?
  • How does physical suffering differ from emotional suffering? 
  • What does it look like to walk with a friend or loved one when they endure significant suffering?
  • Paul said, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (Phil. 1:21) What does this mean for you and me, in the face of living in an unexpected, undone life?

I hope you enjoy the interview, my friends. But more than that, I pray it touches something deep and honest within you, perhaps giving you the courage to to find your own mustard-seed-of-faith to take a single step into your impossible.

Because the only way you’re going to see good come from your mess is if you get out of your own way and let God DO IT.

{P.S. I’m with you.}

Yvette Maher, Dr. Juli Slattery, & Michele Cushatt

April 13, 2015: Yvette Maher, Dr. Juli Slattery, & Michele Cushatt

[callout]When Life Becomes Undone

Have you ever felt as though you’ve gotten “the short end of the stick?” Has there been loss, sickness, tragedy or injustice in your life? Dr. Juli Slattery has an inspiring conversation with two women who have walked together through the fires of this world, and are continuing to move forward even though hardships are in their future. If you have a tendency to feel sorry for yourself, this is the program for you!

Listen on Dr. Juli Slattery’s website, Authentic Intimacy[/callout]

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