In the spirit of “What Not To Wear”, a TV show aimed to help the fashion challenged identify appropriate attire for their wardrobe, I give you “What Not To Tweet.”

There was a time I believed, however naively, that 140 characters too small of a number to get into trouble. I have since come to realize, in appalling form, that I was grossly mistaken. Therefore, to my twitter friends who find themselves Tweet Challenged (I pray to God you know who you are), I provide for you this list of WHAT NOT TO TWEET:

1. Anything that would normally occur behind closed doors
   
2. Any tweet including the words “bathroom” or “spandex” (REALLY not interested)
3. References to body fluids.
4. “I’m so hot.” Just avoid that one altogether.
5. Any descriptions that might stimulate a gag reflex
6. Announcements about soaking in the bathtub or shaving legs. See #1.
7. “Guess what I’m wearing?”
8. @replies to everyone. All the time. Without stopping. (Ever heard of DM?)
   
9. The rare, gourmet quality of your peanut butter and jelly sandwich (try nailing something clever to say while you EAT IT, for crying out loud)
   
10. Invasive doctor’s appointments, lab tests or specimens taken. A simple “Tests today” tweet will suffice. See #3.
    
11. Graphic descriptions of a cold, the flu, allergies and any associated drainage. Again, see #3.
12. Any tweet that results in an @reply that says “TMI, dude.”
    

I hope this helps (you have no idea how much). Consider it a gift. Me helping You. I’m a giver.

(For those who don’t Twitter, check out www.twitter.com for more info on this social networking tool. Good stuff. Most of the time.)