Cancer, Abundance and the Heart of True Thanksgiving

Nov 20, 2012

I didn’t expect to find out I had cancer two days before Thanksgiving. Some holidays should be off limits. Just sayin’.

But on November 23, 2010, at 8:30 AM on the Tuesday morning before Thanksgiving Day, the doctor called. His voice caught me by surprise, his words even more so:

“Michele, it’s not good.”

Gut punch. The breakfast dishes sat in the sink, cereal bowls and coffee mugs dropped in my hurry to get kids to school. My husband, already late, hustled through the house grabbing laptop and coat for a full day of customer appointments. Bread crumbs from sack lunches lingered on the counter, the newspaper sprawled across the table. All marks of an ordinary day in the Cushatt house.

Only it wasn’t ordinary. Even as I sat in the living room chair, the phone in one hand and my forehead in the other, I knew my life would never be the same.

It’s been almost two years now. I’ve resisted talking about my cancer journey publicly, other than brief mentions. To me it’s private, still a bit painful. Cancer is wicked awful, and I want to give it as little attention as possible. But today, November 20, 2012, again two days before Thanksgiving, it’s time to remember.

Officially, they said, Cancer of the Tongue. A squamous cell carcinoma common in smokers. Only I wasn’t a smoker, had never been. Regardless of how many times I asked, they couldn’t explain it, couldn’t tell me why I was the exception. Instead, they scheduled a PET scan and a December surgery, a partial Glossectomy to remove a section of my tongue. After that, results and a treatment plan.

Fear and unknowns marked Thanksgiving that year. Weeks of waiting and worrying, of crying and praying. I’ve tried to put words to that time, but always come up short. How do I explain that first day, after my kids and husband went to work, when I cried at home alone, curled up in my closet? How do I describe telling my youngest boy when he came home from school that day, and then holding him while he cried? How do I tell you about the sleepless nights and panic-filled days, while I waited for PET scan and pathology results?

They are beyond explanation. Unless you’ve been there. Then, you understand fully, without the explanation.

By the end of December, we knew we’d caught it early. No treatment other than a painful surgery. But surgical complications led to a string of surgeries and procedures through most of 2011. In eight months time, I had a total of 7 procedures on my mouth, each of which involved 2-6 weeks of recovery. That meant mashed potatoes and pain meds for about 17 of that year’s 52 weeks. Until May of this year, I dealt with chronic mouth pain every. single. day. Most of my speaking engagements involved Advil doses before and after. Even now, if I’m under stress or talk too much, my speech changes and the pain returns.

And, in the middle of all those surgeries and recoveries, the addition of three children.

I used to think Thanksgiving was all about blessing and abundance, about gathering the good things (including everything from family to deep dish pies) and stuffing yourself until full.

But the history of Thanksgiving, the story of the Pilgrims, is more about the struggle to live than the bountiful feast. Only half the Mayflower’s original family of passengers survived the voyage and first winter. Those who remained come spring were sick and malnourished, filled with fear and unknowns.

But then help and a harvest came. Community and abundance, yes. But framed by years of struggle and loss. They knew the fullness they enjoyed now was part of the suffering then.

Sometimes I wish I could wipe the past two years from memory, wish I could go back to the ignorant bliss of thinking these things happened to other people. But, most of the time, I just close my eyes and give thanks. As you already know, these things happen to all of us.

This week carries more significance than it did before. There’s something sacred about a Thanksgiving feast after a struggle to live. Thanksgiving offered in those times costs us something. We pay our blissful ignorance, our innocence from the heartache of life.

But we gain a sharp awareness of how sacred this day truly is.

Because Thanksgiving, true Thanksgiving, is pulling up a chair to the table of your life as it is, even with all its struggle and imperfection, and choosing to close your eyes and savor its uncommon, undeserved abundance.

To all my friends here who have been steadfast over the past months and years, you are part of my deep Thanksgiving. Have a wonderful day celebrating this beautiful gift of life.

23 Comments

  1. Karin Hurt

    Michele, thank you so much for sharing your journey. Your thanksgiving message is so powerful and vital. My thoughts are with you and your family this Thanksgiving.

    Reply
    • Michele

      Happy Thanksgiving, Karin. So glad our paths crossed this year!

      Reply
  2. Jennifer Major @Jjumping

    “Because Thanksgiving, true Thanksgiving, is pulling up a chair to the table of your life as it is, even with all its struggle and imperfection, and choosing to close your eyes and savor its uncommon, undeserved abundance.”

    Amen, and amen.
    Bless you.

    Reply
    • Michele

      Happy Thanksgiving, Jennifer!

      Reply
  3. Olivia

    Thank you for sharing this, for sharing your heart. Have a very blessed Thanksgiving!

    Reply
    • Michele

      You too, Olivia!

      Reply
  4. Stacy

    Oh Michele, thanks for penning some of your painful journey.

    You are such a gift to me and I’m truly grateful to have you as a friend. Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply
  5. Kelly Ward

    Michele,
    I was just talking about you with a friend and how proud I am of you. You are an amazing person and I wish we could “do life” together like we did when we were in Jr. High and High School. So thankful for you and appreciate you!
    Love,
    Kelly

    Reply
    • Michele

      I miss you, Kelly, think of you often! That night with you and Susan, in March 2011 during that very tough time, is one of the highlights of that whole year. Just like old times. Thankful for YOU.

      Reply
  6. Julie PB

    Michele,

    I had no idea. None. Giving thanks even as I type for your life–your ability to speak through all the surgeries and procedures–and the hope which your words of perspective & experience give to each of us facing individual battles.

    Love,
    Julie

    Reply
    • Michele

      The mercy and grace of God. Nothing more, nothing less. Love right back to you, JPB.

      Reply
  7. Denise

    Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. It is a breath of fresh air.
    Many prayers and hugs for you and your family as you savor each day.

    Reply
    • Michele

      Same to you and yours, Denise.

      Reply
  8. Chris Jeub

    Thank you for sharing this. Your story helps others, no doubt. Just over a year ago I was laying in emergency for an apparent heart attack. I so identify with what you say, Michele. Thankfulness is all the more thankful after the trauma.

    Reply
    • Michele

      Glad you and your family have much to be thankful for this year, Chris!

      Reply
  9. Jennifer M Zeiger

    Wow! This touches home and is a wonderful reminder of how much more we appreciate the blessings because we know the pain. Bless you for sharing. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

    Reply
    • Michele

      Thanks for your comment, Jennifer. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving, too!

      Reply
  10. Susie White

    Oh my, what a journey you have truly been on and what victory you have shared with us. To God be the Glory, Great things He has done! Many blessings to you and yours in Jesus’ name! Happy Thanksgiving!

    Reply
    • Michele

      Thank you, Susie! Same to you and yours.

      Reply
  11. Andrew Inge

    Thank you for your story of courage and determination. As a general dentist for over thirty years, I have seen a number of cases of tongue cancer, but not many. It’s just not all that common. But oddly enough I have seen more cases of people who did not drink alchohol or smoke than those who did. Two of them were ministers who totally abstained. This goes against the statistics, but it certainly does happen. Thanks again for your post.

    Reply
  12. Stacey Thureen

    Michele, I’m glad we’ve connected. We have a lot in common with our recent health journeys…even down to the exact dates/years. Be well, keep writing, and please stay in touch!

    Reply
  13. Darlene Pawlik

    Thank you. Thank you for sharing and for your perspective.

    Reply
  14. Becky

    My daughter shared this with me, so glad she did. I especially like the last two paragraphs, so true in life’s journey, especially one involving cancer. We walk through life so much more grateful for every day and appreciate simple things so much more. Determined to be a survivor, not a statistic. May you continue to be blessed and share from the heart.

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Gratitude Parade: Great Posts on Gratitude and Thanksgiving - [...] Cancer, Abundance, and the Heart of True Thanksgiving, By Michele Cushatt [...]
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